Voice Dialogue:
Giving Equal Time to Opposing Selvesby Jane Helsley
Have you ever been at a dinner party, business meeting or large family gathering where one or two people are the center of attention? Perhaps it's because they are entertaining, or it may be because they are overbearing, rude, or otherwise demanding that everyone pay attention to what they have to say. Whatever the compelling reason, this person's voice is the one that is heard.
Believe it or not, every day we unconsciously replay this scene at our own internal dinner party. A certain voice, or combination of voices, takes center stage and runs the show, to the point that we believe those voices define who we are. Usually, these are the voices that have helped us survive and get ahead in life, and who think they must remain in control. In Voice Dialogue terms, these voices are known as the Primary Selves.
Other voices, often our most self-affirming and creative voices, silently wait for acknowledgment and an invitation to speak.
An Invitation to Dialogue
The Voice Dialogue facilitator offers that invitation. Working one-on-one with a client, the facilitator listens as the person describes his or her current life situation and the particular issues that are creating conflict. This conflict points to different voices - or selves - who are challenging the Primary Self system. They want their concerns to be considered as well.
For example, a woman client - we'll call her Sharon - recently gained a promotion at work, thanks to her Primary Self, who is efficient, hard-working and earnest, pushing Sharon to constantly improve her performance. This Pusher self has controlled most of Sharon's life, ably assisted by her Inner Critic, who never misses an opportunity to point out where she could do better.
But despite her job promotion, Sharon was miserable. In talking with her, I learned that a long-time relationship had recently ended. I heard one voice in her that was in despair and feeling quite vulnerable, while her Pusher felt she needed to just "get over it" and devote herself to her new job.
Standing between opposites
Which voice should she listen to? The goal of Voice Dialogue work is not to make one voice "wrong" and the other "right," but to create conscious choices, based on input from conflicting points of view. Picture Sharon's dilemma as a seesaw: on one hand, her Pusher uses its considerable weight to keep her more feminine and vulnerable selves "up in the air" without any influence on how Sharon allots her time or identifies herself. It may enjoy or resent having this much responsibility, but one thing is for sure: it is terrified of any other selves having control.
So my first task with Sharon's Pusher was to reassure it that no one was plotting its overthrow. I asked her to move to another chair in the room, so she could clearly delineate between her Self and her Pusher. Sitting across from the Pusher, I tuned into its energy, doing my best to understand its concerns and goals for Sharon. Beneath its initial bluster and sureness of purpose, it deeply feared a loss of control. It was also rather exhausted from carrying the load, but distrustful of any other self's motives in wanting to speak.
"Sharon cannot afford to be soft," The Pusher stated emphatically. "If she lets down for one minute, she could lose it all - all we've worked for. These ideas she has about 'taking more time for herself' are, frankly, ridiculous and risky."
We talked at length, as I sought to get to the more core issues that mattered to the Pusher. As I reflected its concerns and needs, it relaxed a bit. Guardedly, it agreed to hear what the other selves had to say.
Centering in the Aware Ego
In Voice Dialogue, however, before moving to any other self, the facilitator will always return the client to the original position to reflect on each voice and bring it into conscious awareness. It is in this space that the Aware Ego is developed, which can grow larger and more competent with each new voice that speaks.
Back in the Aware Ego position, Sharon seemed quite amazed to feel the objectivity she could maintain apart from the Pusher's energy. This distance allowed another Voice to come forward.
Moving to yet another spot in the room, Sharon began to speak in a voice that embodied her Aphrodite self, sensuous and languorous. "She is really quite beautiful, you know," said this Voice, its body posture changing completely into an open and inviting pose. She leaned forward and murmured, "If I could just get her to dress in something flattering, instead of these shapeless skirts and stiff suits. And I can't remember the last time I heard her really laugh. She needs to relax and have some fun!"
The Pusher and Aphrodite were clearly at odds with each other and had been for much of Sharon's life. Going back to the Aware Ego position, Sharon acknowledged that she longed to give equal time to Aphrodite, but hated the conflict that arose from the Pusher whenever she did. In the long run, it was simply easier to act as if the softer, pleasure-loving self did not exist. Tears welled up in her eyes as she admitted how she had disowned this self for so many years.
Discovering the Disowned Selves
We all have Disowned Selves. Whatever has not felt safe to express in the world as we've known it, we've stashed away in the closet of our mind. We deny it exists, and essentially ask others in our lives to carry this quality for us. Projected "out there," we either love it or hate it; either way, it creates havoc in our lives unless it is seen, acknowledged, and engaged in a way that gives it a place of honor at our "dinner table."
As for Sharon, in the course of one Voice Dialogue session, she got to experience her disowned Aphroditic nature first-hand, and felt it appreciated and honored. From a place of strength, in the Aware Ego, she could then turn to the Pusher and give it honor as well, but as only one voice - a very important one, to be sure - but one voice, all the same.
Before the end of the first session, Sharon's Aware Ego was able to use negotiating skills that had been well-honed in her job to ask her Pusher to respect her more sensual needs.
Conflict as a Cry for Intimacy
A teacher of mine once said, "At the root of all conflict is a cry for intimacy." Each self within us, whatever its personal agenda, wants to be seen and recognized for its value and contribution. It wants a more intimate place in our lives, and wants to be heard on a regular basis.
The beauty and power of Voice Dialogue lies in its ability to hear the cry for intimacy in all inner conflicts. It ensures that all the voices at the table are given a chance to speak.
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